


Kagami Taiga and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

by sannlykke



Series: SASO 2017 [4]
Category: Kuroko no Basuke | Kuroko's Basketball
Genre: Death as Comedy, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-10
Updated: 2017-06-10
Packaged: 2018-11-12 11:51:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,610
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11161275
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sannlykke/pseuds/sannlykke
Summary: There's just something about the box of Peeps in Kagami's kitchen that calls to him.





	Kagami Taiga and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

**Author's Note:**

> written for saso 2017 br1, for this [prompt](http://sportsanime.dreamwidth.org/21931.html?thread=11405483#cmt11405483):
>
>> Prompt: The GoM are actually Peeps. Kagami can be the candy of your choice. Or he can be eating them and they try to escape him! Anything goes, really, I just want GoM!Peeps.
> 
> **!there is multiple character death!**
> 
> please don't take this seriously At All.

“Taiga?”  
  
“Yeah, Mom?”  
  
“Don’t eat any of the candy until we get back tonight, okay, sweetie? Save some space for dinner.”  
  
“Okay,” Taiga says automatically, too deeply confused by his math homework to notice much of anything else.  
  
After a while he hears the front door click shut, and the sound of the engine starting shortly afterward. Taiga slowly slides the worksheets away from him—he’ll ask Tatsuya about them tomorrow. Their whole family had gone on a weekend trip visiting relatives in San Francisco, and even Alex is out of town this weekend, leaving Taiga without much of anyone to talk to.  
  
He supposes that he could just go practice alone down at the court. But first…  
  
As expected, there’s nobody in the kitchen. Taiga looks up, seeing his prize sitting atop the fridge and out of reach: a box of Peeps.  
  
Taiga’s seen Tatsuya do it before: how to open the box carefully without disturbing the edges, and then spreading a thin layer of glue beneath it to make it look brand new after they’d finished most of what’s inside. It’s not so hard; besides, is his mom really going to check if he’s eaten the Peeps?  
  
_I’ll just have one,_ Taiga decides as he moves a chair over to the fridge. _Nobody will be able to tell the difference anyway._  
  
“Quick, someone’s coming!”  
  
Taiga stops mid-climb, frowning. It didn’t sound like anyone he knows—or had he simply misheard? Shrugging, he steps onto the wobbly wooden chair and reaches for the box.  
  
Which promptly catapults itself onto the ground and explodes.  
  
“What,” Taiga says flatly, watching the Peeps roll away from each other in unison— _roll away?_ “Hey, what the—“  
  
He jumps off the chair, accidentally stepping on one in the process; there’s a small scream as he backs away in horror, watching its white insides ooze out of the impression he’d just made with his foot. The Peep makes a noise like a dying whale, and Taiga could almost see its little beak move as it deflates.  
  
“Oh my god,” Taiga whispers, plastering himself to the fridge. “Are…are these Peeps… _haunted?!_ ”  
  
-  
  
He needs to get rid of them.  
  
Tatsuya had showed him some YouTube videos about destroying Peeps once, but it’s not like Taiga has time to hop on a laptop and review them. The Peeps are loose inside his house—he _has_ to destroy them before his parents come home and find out he’s opened the box.  
  
And besides, they’re not normal Peeps. He isn’t so sure any of those tactics would work against _haunted_ Peeps.  
  
Taiga gulps. As much as he wishes Tatsuya were here right now—Tatsuya would certainly not be scared of ghost Peeps—he’s alone, armed with the scissors he’d grabbed off the table when he’d run from the room. The Peeps could be _anywhere_ now.  
  
Slowly Taiga emerges from his room. It’s quiet, too quiet, as he moves down the hallway, his hands shaking. If anything, he could just step on them—that seemed to have killed the first one.  
  
Soon he sees the first one, a normal-looking yellow Peep teetering at the edge of the carpeting in his mom’s room. Taiga raises his scissors as he creeps near, sweat beading at his temple. He has to do this fast.  
  
Then the Peep turns around and screams just as he brings the scissors down.  
  
“No—!!”  
  
It had escaped him at the very last moment, jumping aside and then latching itself onto Taiga’s nose. Taiga yells and stumbles backwards, bumping into a bookshelf. The Peep is still screaming, sobbing, when a book falls onto Taiga’s head, bruising his chin and scraping the Peep off his face. He slides down onto the floor, breathing hard, and stares at the half-dead Peep trying to crawl out from under the book.  
  
The Peep’s face is disfigured as it tries to crawl towards him, stretching its body so thin that it pops! just as it almost reaches him. The upper half of the Peep rolls until it stops at Taiga’s side.  
  
“You killed me-ssu,” the Peep whispers before it dies.  
  
Taiga bolts.  
  
-  
  
The next Peep Taiga sees is green. It’s somehow turned the television on, focusing too intently on some show Taiga had never seen before—Oha…something, a kanji Taiga couldn’t read. He finishes off that one easily enough, by trapping it with a plastic Solo cup in the middle of the show. The one method he does remember from the YouTube video is to flush the Peep down the toilet—which is exactly what Taiga does.  
  
The Peep screams something about horoscopes as Taiga watches it go down the drain. He tries not to think about it too much as he leaves.  
  
(Tatsuya and Alex would probably laugh at him if he got cursed by a Peep.)  
  
After that, though, things are easier. The haunted Peeps don’t seem to have any special attacks, or the ability to phase through walls or anything. They’re simply Peeps that can talk, move, and make rude gestures to him.  
  
Which is what the blue Peep does. It’s surprisingly fast for a marshmallow bird, Taiga thinks as he chases it through his father’s study, watching it zoom up and down past the row of books and figurines. It would hide behind the computer, only to appear at the last minute and cackle as it rushes past his fingertips. It’s almost fun—sort of like playing hide-and-seek with his friends in the woods near the courts. In fact, the Peep seems faster than anyone he’s ever known before.  
  
Taiga finally traps it in his mother’s room after one exhausting hour by slamming a fashion magazine shut on the Peep. He has no goddamn idea why the Peep had been standing there entranced by a fucking magazine spread, but by this time Taiga is too tired to care.  
  
As he hides the magazine (his mother won’t miss it, hopefully, because there is no way he’s cleaning a Peep corpse out of that) under his bed, Taiga spots something moving in the corner.  
  
“What…”  
  
“Oh, it’s you,” the purple Peep says as it munches on a chip. Taiga stares at it in fascination as the chip actually disappears down the Peep’s gaping maw. It’s a big Peep, probably twice as big as the other ones. “Can you leave me alone? I want to finish this.”  
  
“Hey, those are _my_ chips,” Taiga says, frowning. “Why don’t you get your own?”  
  
Purple Peep ignores him.  
  
“Fine, I’ll come back later.”  
  
If his calculations were correct, there’s one last Peep he hasn’t gotten to yet—the red Peep.  
  
“Where the hell is it…”  
  
After flipping through what seems like every object imaginable, Taiga concludes that the red Peep is somehow…not inside the house.  
  
“Focus, Taiga, focus…it’s gotta be in here somewhere!”  
  
Then, out of the corner of his eye, Taiga spots a flash of something red outside the kitchen window. He turns towards it and, in horror, sees the red Peep standing on the windowsill outside, holding…  
  
“…My scissors?”  
  
The Peep taps at the window menacingly with the business end of the scissors, then hops out of sight.  
  
“Oh, _no,_ ” Taiga groans.  
  
-  
  
“I see you’ve managed to kill the rest of my friends,” red Peep says calmly as it faces Taiga on the back porch, the wind swirling dead leaves around them. The sun is going down—Taiga has to finish this, fast. “Do not think you could do the same to me.”  
  
“What the hell _are_ you,” Taiga whispers, sweating profusely as he readies his kitchen knife. Hopefully none of the neighbors would come out to their porches and see him menacing a Peep with these. “Why…how…how can you talk?”  
  
The Peep regards him with an air of condescension. “Do you not know? I am Emperor of the Peeps.”  
  
“You’re shitting me,” Taiga replies, shaking his head. “You are literally, shitting me—“  
  
There’s a sharp pain in Taiga’s cheek as he steps aside, gasping as he reaches up and feels blood. Somehow the Peep had jumped and stabbed at him, only missing because he’d turned away at the last second. Taiga stares at it in horror. “Oh my god—“  
  
“Now, we duel!” the Peep cries, swinging the scissors at his ankles. Taiga hops onto the steps, trying to avoid being stabbed, when he hears the telltale rumble of the family van down the road. “Fight me, you—“  
  
Taiga steps on the Peep hastily with a sneakered foot, reaching down to grab the scissors with his spare hand. He _needs_ to clean up that mess in the kitchen before his parents come inside.  
  
He scrapes the bloody-looking remains of the Peep into the bushes, kicks off his shoes, and runs inside.  
  
-  
  
“Everything alright, son?” Taiga’s father asks over dinner. "How'd you get those scrapes?"  
  
“I fell in the bathroom,” Taiga says as he stabs at his mashed potatoes with more energy than usual. His gaze flickers to the innocuous-looking box of Peeps upon the fridge. “But I'm fine, really.”  
  
-  
  
Purple Peep is gone by the time Taiga checks under his bed again, presumably having ambled off somewhere else to feed. Well, it’s not his problem now—somehow Taiga gets the impression that as long as he leaves Purple alone, nothing would happen. With that, he tucks himself into bed.  
  
As he reaches to shut off his night-light, there’s a flash of pale blue along the edge of his bookshelf.  
  
“Eh?”  
  
Taiga blinks, switching on the light again, and sees nothing but textbooks.  
  
“Must be too tired…”  
  
He has one hell of a story to tell Tatsuya tomorrow, at least.

**Author's Note:**

> i am a serious writer i swear,


End file.
